“Well, son, the best way to explain this is a practical exercise. Go ask your Mom if she’d sleep with a stranger a million dollars and come tell me her answer.”

The boy returned and said, ” She said she would, Dad.” “OK,” replied the father, “Go ask your sister the same question.”

The boy returned and said that his sister also answered yes to the question and then asked his Dad, “What’s this got to do with theory and reality?”

“It’s simple, son. In theory, we live with millionaires. In reality, we live with a couple of sluts.”

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God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway. As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods. Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway. Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole. Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup. Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in… hole in one!

Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says: Dad? We gonna play golf, or are you just gonna mess around?

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“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”

“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”

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“Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with
your gun, how many would be left ?”

“None.”,replied Johnny. “’cause the rest would fly away.” “Well, the
answer is four,” said the teacher. “But I like the way you are thinking.”

Little Johnny said, “I have a question for you now. If there
were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking
her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third one sucking
her cone, which one is married ?

Well,” said the teacher neverously, “I guess the one sucking the
cone?”

“No,” said Little Johnny, “the one with the wedding ring on her
finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

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“Nice bike” the cop said “did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yep,” the little girl said, “he sure did!”

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying “Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.”

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, “Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?”

“Yes, he sure did,” chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, “Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.”

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Girl: About a year.
Doctor: Wow! Why didn’t you tell me sooner?

Girl: Because we needed the eggs!

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If you ever said the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”

Your Jedi robe is camouflage.

You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.

At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.

You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.

The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookiees are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing or bowling.

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light up.

You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.

You ever fantasized about Princess Leia wearing Daisy Duke shorts.

You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.

Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.

You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.

You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck.

You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.

Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side…it’ll be a hoot.”

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The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”

The next night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night.”

The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said.

They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.”

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Nobody.

The first four don’t exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.

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He ends up going to the store and asking the clerk for some “BUM”. She sits there and thinks for awhile and then says, “Oh you must mean gum.”

Then he goes to the fish store and askes if he could get some “FUCK IT”. The fish man thinks and says, “Oh I get it, you must mean Bucket (bucket of fish)”

Billy shakes his head as YES.

Then he makes a trip to the pet store and says, “Could I get a cock and spank it?” The pet store owner says “Oh you must mean Cocker Spaniel.”

Billy shakes his head YES.

He finally makes it to the airport where he will be catching his flight.

When he gets there he askes this guy…

“Could you hold my bum and fuck it while I get my cock and spank it”

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