Little Johnny wasn’t getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I don’t want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don’t start getting better grades…somebody is going to get a spanking!”
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A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.
Their domestic tranquility had long been known about the
town, and on this very special occasion, a local newspaper
reporter paid them a visit.
He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
“Well”…explained the husband…”it all goes all the way back to
our honeymoon, you see, we visited the Grand Canyon and we
took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule.”
He continues…”well now, we hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s
mule stumbled, she quietly said…that’s once.”
“We proceeded a little further when the mule stumbled again and
my wife quietly spoke…that’s twice.”
“You know, that mule hadn’t gone a half-mile when it stumbled a
third time.”
My wife promptly removed a gun from her purse, hopped off the
beast, and shot the mule dead.”
“I protested over her treatment of the mule, she slowly turned to
me and quietly said…that’s once.”
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George Bushes, father Bush and son Bush, Bush Jr., are on board a small two seater plane when suddenly George Senior, the pilot, parachutes out of the plane. Not knowing how to fly a plane, National Guard Service or not, George, Jr. grabs the radio.
“Mayday, mayday! My Dad just jumped out of the plane!”
Ground control receives the call for help and answers back:
“Your dad?”
“He left me here! Took the parachute!”
“Sir, your dad?”
“He’s the pilot! Gosh!”
“Okay, don’t worry, sir. I’ll talk you down, just do as I say. First I need you to give me your height and position.”
“I’m over six feet and sitting in the front!”
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One day a blonde was sitting in her apartment when the doorbell rang. She answered the door and found a salesman standing on her porch with a strange object in his hands. “What is that?” she asked, “What does it do?”.
“This baby,” the salesman said, “Keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”
After some deliberation the blonde bought one, deciding it would really help her lunch situation. The next day she arrived at her office and sure enough, her friends were curious about her new object.
“What is it?” they asked. “It’s a thermos,” she replied. “What does it do?” they asked. “Well,” she said in a bragging manner, “It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold.” “What’s in it?” they asked.
“Three cups of coffee and a Popsicle!”
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You wonder why there isn’t a hairstyle called “The Hat Line.”
The same pair of boots have been in your family for five generations and they’re only twenty years old.
You think the Franklin Mint is a breath freshener.
You think doctorin’ involves mamma’s sewing kit and a jug.
The strongest smell in your house is butane.
Your dog passes gas and you claim it.
You think paprika is a Third World country.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the “day my ship came in.”
None of your shirts cover your stomach.
Your wife has ever said, “Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.”
You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
You own a homemade fur coat.
You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
Your school fight song was “Dueling Banjos”.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
You’ve ever given rat traps as gifts.
You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
Your mother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
You’ve totaled every car you’ve ever owned.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
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