Funniest Jewish Jokes
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.
The Israeli Consul began, “Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you… …When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts… The people became thirsty and needed water.
So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts’ content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters.
Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen… And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes.”
Yassir Arafat, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, “This is a travesty…It’s A lie ! It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!”
“And in agreement with Chairman Arafat,” said the Israeli Consul, “let me begin my speech…”
Tags: fun, interesting, humor, joke, allcrazy jokes, comedy, awesome
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A Jew and a Christian were arguing about the ways of their religion.
The Jewish man said, “You people have been taking things from us for thousands of years; The Ten Commandments, for instance.”
The Christian replied, “Well, it’s true that we took the Ten Commandments from you, but you can’t actually say that we’ve kept them!”
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I don’t know if you know this but they are now selling Kosher computers (Made in Israel) called DELLSHALOM. It is selling at such a good price that I bought one. Mine arrived yesterday.
If you or a friend are considering a kosher computer, you should know that there are some important upgrades and changes from the typical computer you are used to, such as:
The cursor moves from right to left.
It comes with two hard drives–one for fleyshedik business software and one for milchedik games.
Instead of getting a “General Protection Fault” error, my PC now gets “Ferklempt.”
The Chanukah screen savers include “Flying Dreidels”
The PC also shuts down automatically at sundown on Friday evenings.
After my computer dies, I have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
The “Start” button has been replaced with “Let’s go!! I’m not getting any younger!” button.
When disconnecting external devices from the back of my PC, I am instructed to “Remove the cable from the PC’s tuchus”.
The multimedia player has been renamed to “Nu, so play my music already!”.
Internet Explorer has a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.
I hear “Hava Nagila” during startup. Microsoft Office now includes “A little byte of this, and a little byte of that.”
When running “scandisk”, it prompts with a “You want I should fix this?” message.
When my PC is working too hard, I occasionally hear a loud “Oy Gevalt”
There is a “monitor cleaning solution” from
Manischewitz that Advertises that it gets rid of the “schmutz und drek” on your monitor.
After 20 minutes of no activity, my PC goes “Schloffen.”
Computer viruses can now be cured with some matzo ball chicken soup.
The Y2K problem has been replaced by “Year 5761-5762″ issues.
If you decide not to shut down the computer in the prescribed manner, the following message appears: “You should be ashamed of yourself.”
When Spellcheck finds an error it prompts “Is this the best you can do?
Tags: fun, silly, timewaster, humour, interesting, funny, best
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Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Sid,” asked Mundo, “Are there any Jews in Mexico?”
I don’t know,” Mundo replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Mundo asked.
“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Mundo asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”
Tags: cool, bored, comedy, humor, funread, allcrazy, interesting
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There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris’s sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, “After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?”
Morris replied, “A circumcision is never intended to kill.”
Tags: cool, silly, comedy, laugh, best, interesting, allcrazy jokes
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