Funniest Jewish Jokes
Sid and Mundo were sitting in a Mexican restaurant. “Sid,” asked Mundo, “Are there any Jews in Mexico?”
I don’t know,” Mundo replied. “Why don’t we ask the waiter?”
When the waiter came by, Mundo asked him, “Are there any Mexican Jews?”
“I don’t know sir, let me ask,” the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, “No, sir. No Mexican Jews.”
“Are you sure?” Mundo asked.
“I will check again, sir.” the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, “I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere.”
When the waiter returned he said, “Sir, no Mexican Jews.”
“Are you really sure?” Mundo asked again. “I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews.”
“Sir, I ask everyone,” the waiter replied exasperated. “We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews, and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!”
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There once was a powerful emperor who needed a new chief Samurai. So he put up posters throughout the land saying he was searching for a new chief Samurai. But after 2 months, only 3 Samurai applied for the job, a Japanese, a Chinese, and Morris. So he interviewed all three.
The emperor first asked the Japanese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Japanese opened a little silver box and out flew a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in two pieces. The emperor was impressed.
The emperor then asked the Chinese to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. The Chinese opened a small pearl box and out flew a smaller fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead in four pieces. The emperor was very impressed.
Then the emperor asked Morris to demonstrate why he should be his chief Samurai. Morris opened a small gold box and out flew a wasp. Whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whooooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh, whoooooossshhh went Morris’s sword, but the wasp was still alive and buzzing around the emperor.
The emperor was very disappointed and asked Morris, “After all your sword play, why is the wasp not dead?”
Morris replied, “A circumcision is never intended to kill.”
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The Rabbi and his wife were cleaning up the house. The Rabbi came across a
box he didn’t recognize. His wife told him to leave it alone, it was
personal.
One day, she was out and his curiousity got the better of him. He opened
the box and inside he found 3 eggs and $2000. When his wife came home, he
admitted that he had opened the box and asked her to explain the contents
to him.
She told him, every time he had a bad sermon, she would put an egg in the
box. He thought to himself, “In twenty years, only three bad sermons,
that’s not bad.” His wife continued, “And every time I got a dozen eggs,
I would sell them for $1.”
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Two Jewish women were speaking about their sons, each of whom was
incarcerated in the state prison.
The first says: “Oy, my son has it so hard. He is locked away in
maximum security, he never even speaks to anyone or sees the light of
day. He has no exercise and he lives a horrible life.”
The second says: “Well, my son is in minimum security. He exercises every
day, he spends time in the prison library, takes some classes, and writes
home each week.
“Oy,” says the first woman, “You must get such naches from your son.”
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1. Your PC would shut down automatically on Friday evenings.
2. Your “Start” button would be replaced with a “Let’s go. I’m not getting any younger.” button.
3. RETRY would be replaced with “You vant I should try again?”
4. When disconnecting external devices from your PC, instructions would say “Remove from your PC’s tuchis the cable “.
5. Your CD player would be labelled “Nu, so play my music already.”.
6. You would hear “Hava Nagila” during startup.
7. SCANDISK prompts you with, “You vant I should fix?” message.
8. When your PC is mult-tasking, you would occasionally hear an “Oy Gevult.”
9. Manischewitz would advertise that its “monitor cleaning solution” gets rid of the “schmutz” on your screen.
10. After 20 minutes in an idle state, your PC would go “Schloffen.”
11. All computer viruses would be cured with chicken soup.
12. After your computer dies, you would have to dispose of it within 24 hours.
13. Internet Explorer would have a spinning “Star of David” in the upper right corner.
14. A screen saver for channukah will be “Flying Draidles”.
15. High capacity DVB’s (digital video bagels) would supercede CD-ROM’s
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