A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”
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A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.
On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot.
As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.
“Your Honor,” he said, “I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said ‘He’s a crook! He’s guilty!’
So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!”
With a tired annoyance the judge replied, “Get back in the jury box, you fool. That man is the defendant’s lawyer.”
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Three people arrive at the gates of heaven and St. Peter greeted them. “Welcome to Heaven. We have simplified the process of admission, and all you need to do to get into Heaven is pass a simple test. Are you ready?”
The first person said, “I’ve prepared for this moment for 73 years.”
“Okay, ” said St. Peter, “spell ‘God’.”
“G-O-D.”
“Very good, enter your eternal reward.”
“That was easier than I thought it would be, ” the second person said, “I’ll take my test now.”
“Okay, ” said St. Peter, “spell ‘love’.”
“L-O-V-E.”
“Excellent, enter your eternal reward.”
The third person, a lawyer, said, “Boy, is _this_ is gonna be a snap. Give me my test.”
“Okay, ” said St. Peter, “spell ‘prorhipidoglossomorpha’.”
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A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”
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A lawyer who works in Texas receives news of an out of town emergency which requires him to fly out of the state for a short period of time. He doesn’t even have time to pack, so he calls home to tell his wife he is going.
The maid answers the phone but is hesitant to put his wife on the phone. After quite a bit of cajoling, she admits that his wife is in the living room kissing the mailman!
Now the man is furious, and would rush right home, but of course there is this emergency to take care of, so he tells the maid to go get the gun from his desk drawer, and kill both his wife and the mailman.
She protests, but he explains that under Texas law it is legal to kill your adulterous wife and her lover. Using his silver tongue, he finally convinces her to do it. She puts down the phone, and the lawyer can hear the sound of two gun shots, the screams, some loud bumps, and, finally, some splashes. The maid comes back on the phone.
The lawyer asks “did you kill them?”.
“Yes!”, she replies.
“What did you do with the bodies?”
“I threw them in the pool.”
(A Long Pause)
“Pool? … Say, is this 555-8234?”
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